Wizard of WTF
by mamadoom823
Summary: Parody of The Wizard of Oz. Featuring the GazettE with Miyavi & guest star Yohio. Don't ask cause I have no idea why this happened. I do not own any of the artists in this story or the Wizard of Oz. Some language.
1. Chapter 1

Wizard of WTF?  
Part 1

Ruki woke to the sound of fangirls cheering. He looked around, slightly confused. 'Why is the stage outdoors and where's everybody else' he wondered. The fangirls rushed onto the stage and started crushing him with their hugs. "You did it!" some yelled.  
"You killed the East Bitch!" others cheered.  
Now he was really confused. A tall blonde pushed her way through the crowd to get to him. She was wearing some kind of Lolita costume and carried a mic that left a trail of glitter. She stopped in front of him and smiled.  
"Thank you for destroying that Bitch. She's been a pain in the ass for way too long. I'm Yohio, the Queen Bitch," she, well he, said. He turned to the fangirls. "Somebody please get me the bitch's boots."  
Half a dozen girls rushed off to get the boots. When they returned with the boots they bowed and giggled while handing them over. Yohio took the shoes and kissed each girl before sending them away. He turned to Ruki and held out the most hideous pair of boots in the universe. Bright red, rhinestone covered go go boots.  
"As a reward for killing the Bitch here are her favorite boots. They will get you where you need to go go," he said with a giggle.  
"I'm not wearing those," Ruki stated flatly.  
"But they'll go so well with your dress. Here I'll take your doggie while you put them on."  
Ruki looked down at himself and groaned. Koron was in a basket in his hand instead of a microphone. He was also wearing a blue and white checkered dress with knee high stockings. What the hell was going on? Yohio began tapping his foot as he waited for Ruki to take the shoes. Ruki shook his head and turned to leave.  
"Get him, girls," Yohio said to the assembled crowd with a snap of his fingers.  
Ruki was almost crushed again as the fangirls swarmed him to do as they were told. They took Koron, removed his shoes and placed the ugly ass boots on him. They also took the liberty of groping and petting him while he was down. When they let him up Yohio gave him a once over before he handed Koron back. "I told you they would go with that dress."  
"Whatever. Just tell me how to get out of this nut house will you?"  
"You want to leave already? Well poo. The girls had their hopes on a slumber party and make overs. Since you did take out that pesky bitch I guess we'll let you have your way this time." he took Ruki by the hand and led him off the stage. "Alright sweet thing. All you need to do is follow the golden glitter path all the way to the end. It'll take you straight to the Wizard."  
Yohio explained as he showed Ruki a shiny spiral path that presumably led out of the town. One side of the path was golden and the other was silver and they both seemed to lead the same direction. "So where does the silver path lead?" he asked.  
"Baby doll, that goes to the old outhouses on the other side of town. Trust me you do not want to go there. Just stick to the golden glitter path and you'll be super. One last thing, gumdrop. Don't talk to anyone and don't take candy from strangers."  
"There is something seriously wrong with you," Ruki muttered darkly as he set off. This was obviously some kind of nightmare.  
"Buh bye now, sugar lips." Yohio said, blowing him a glittery kiss.  
Ruki started to run, Koron barking as the basket he was in swung wildly. He had to get out of this insane asylum before the fangirls swarmed again or he caught the crazy that was running rampant. He ran as fast as he could and didn't slow down until he couldn't see the town behind him. He finally stopped to rest for a few minutes when he came to a garden of some kind. He sat down and let Koron out of the basket to do his business while taking a cigarette break. At least this stupid dress had pockets. He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. Koron started barking and he could hear somebody telling him to shut up. With the day he was having that person had better not lay a hand on his dog.  
He crushed out the cigarette and got up to find his pissed sounding pooch. There was Koron barking at somebody stuck on a pole in the middle of the garden. As he got closer he noticed that it was Reita and he was held to pole with duct tape. He was wearing coveralls and a plaid shirt for some reason. This was getting ridiculous. "Reita, what are you doing up there?" Ruki asked.  
"Are you talking to me?" the blonde asked him.  
"Who else?"  
"I'm the new scarecrow. The Bitch of the West put me here when she found out how much I hate vegetables. Now I have to protect them from being eaten by the rabbits."  
"Um, okay. I'm not sure I want to know any more. Hang on and I'll see if I can get you down from there."  
"Haha. Hang on. Sure, why not."  
"I can leave you up there if you want to be a smart ass."  
"Shutting up now."  
Ruki looked around trying to find anything to cut through the duct tape with. The only thing around them were rows and rows of vegetables. Sighing he grabbed a wooden stake that was holding up a tomato plant. This better work because it was all he had. He walked around to the back of the pole and started on the tape holding his friends hands. He managed to get through that and started on his feet. Once the bassist was down he rubbed his wrists and ankles trying to get feeling back in them. He straightened his back out and rubbed his neck. It felt good to be down after being stuck to that pole for the last few weeks. "Thanks for getting me down. I thought the Bitch of the West was going to leave me up there forever. I don't know what I would have done if you hadn't come along."  
"No problem. So, I'm supposed to go see some wizard to get the hell out of this place. Do you know if there's any other way out? Everybody here seems to be a few sandwiches short of a picnic if you know what I mean."  
"Can I go with you? If the bitch finds out that I got down she's gonna be pissed. I don't want to think about what she'll do to me if she catches me again."  
"Great. You're one of them. Fine you can come. Just keep the crazy to a minimum, got it."  
Ruki grabbed up the basket and called Koron over to jump in it. With the Reita/Scarecrow following him he started off on the golden glitter path once again. He really wished he could just wake up from this nightmare and be back in his bed. They hadn't walked for long before a wooshing sound came from behind them. Ruki didn't want to look back and see what it was but couldn't stop himself. Un. Fucking. Believable. It looked like Miyavi, except it was only half as tall as Ruki himself. It was also had wings and a really bushy squirrel tail. It flew towards them, screaming at the top of it's lungs. "What the hell?" Ruki asked as the thing tried to grab the basket from him.  
"It's the bitch's flying squirrel. She sends him out to spy for her. He must have seen that I wasn't in the vegetable garden and come to find me. What are we going to do?"  
"How should I know? I'm not from around here. Don't you have any ideas?"  
"No. The bitch took my brain away when she made me a scarecrow."  
"That explains a lot. Hold this basket and don't let the squirrel near it. If he gets my dog you won't like what I'll do to you."  
Ruki handed the basket to Reita and studied the Miyavi squirrel as it came back for another pass. It dived at Reita, trying to get the basket again. Ruki grabbed it by the tail and pulled. As it turned on him to attack he spun it around by its tail and threw it into a nearby tree. "Youz not play fair," pouted the squirrel.  
"Riiiight. A squirrel that can fly is accusing me of not playing fair." Ruki said, dripping sarcasm.  
"Youz pulled on my fluffy wuffy tail. Iz no like it when youz do that."  
"I'll keep that in mind."  
"Youz not very nice."  
"You tried to steal my dog. That's not very nice."  
"But Iz lovey dovey to little doggies. Theyz so cuddly wuddly and squishy warm."  
"Get your own dog then. Leave my Koron alone."  
"The bitchy witchy no letz me haz a doggie. Iz no like her. She way meaner than youz are."  
"You're on you own with the bitch. I've already landed a stage on one today and I don't have another stage handy."  
"Why don't you come with us to see the wizard?" piped up Reita. "He would probably let you have a dog."  
"Reallyz? Youz are going to seez the wizard? He maybe letz me haz a doggie for keepsies? Okey dokey. Iz go seez the wizard tooz."  
"Great. We're off to..."  
"Finish that line and I will hurt you, "Ruki growled at Reita. 


	2. Chapter 2

Wizard of WTF Part 2

Ruki took the basket with Koron away from Reita and started walking on the golden glitter path again. He did his best to ignore the idiot and the insane squirrel trailing along behind him. They kept up a steady stream of chatter that was giving him a migraine. The sooner he found this wizard the better. Although he knew he was having a nightmare, this was too screwed up to be a dream, hadn't been able to wake himself up. He looked ahead and saw something he wished he hadn't. Aoi was standing at the top of the hill in front of them, holding an axe. He wondered vaguely how pissed the guitarist was. "Hey Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber," Ruki said quietly. "See that guy with the axe up there?"  
"I seez him," chirped Miyavi.  
"Me too," agreed Reita.  
"Guess you two don't understand the meaning of rhetorical. The guy with the axe has a temper so try not to make him angry ok?"  
"That guyz all freezeded up. Hez no moved in long long time. Wez no gotta worriez about him."  
"Seriously? I guess you're good for something after all."  
Miyavi the squirrel smiled and hugged his tail at the praise. He ran ahead of the others and poked at the man holding the axe. He had flown over this area so many times that he knew every inch of it. He knew that this person was more like another forgotten statue. At least that's what he thought until its eyes glared at him and he heard muffled sounds coming from it. He squawked and flew a few feet away from it.  
"I take back what I said," Ruki said as he walked up to the frozen Aoi. He tapped him on the head and heard a hollow echo. "Great, another one without a brain."  
"What's the matter with the tin can man?" Reita asked. He didn't want to get to close after seeing how the squirrel had gotten scared.  
"Looks like he rusted over. I know I'm going to regret this but do either of you see anything to help him out?"  
They both looked at him blankly and he sighed. Completely useless. He started looking on the ground around the axe weilding Aoi and moved further away with each pass. Reita and Miyavi just started spinning in circles until they fell over. Reita ended up rolling down the other side of the hill, landing on his face.  
He sat up and rubbed his already covered nose and picked something up from the ground. As he started to throw the canister away Ruki made a grab for it. He patted Reita on the head and went back up the hill. He laughed as he read the label on the container. 'Spray Lube. Great for use on stubborn objects.' Only the word objects was faded until it read 'jerks' instead.  
He pointed the head at the frozen figure and started spraying from the feet going up. When he reached the hands he grabbed for the axe as soon as the fingers loosened up. No need in leaving him armed until they knew what kind of mood this Aoi was in. "Finally. I thought I was going to be stuck here until I rusted away completely. Thank you," said the now smiling metal man.  
"You're welcome. We'll just be going now," said Ruki.  
"Wez goin to seez the wizard man," said the ever annoying Miyavi. "Hez maybe goin say Iz can haz a fluffy wuffy doggie for keepsies."  
"A squirrel with a pet dog? Does anybody else not see anything wrong with that?" asked Aoi with a smirk.  
"Don't get me started. If the squirrel wants a dog and the wizard can give him one than I really don't care anymore." Ruki told him.  
"Hey, whatever. Not my problem if he gets treed by his pet."  
"How did you end up stuck like that?" Reita asked.  
"Easy. I refused a date with the Bitch of the West so she hid my lube and then made a rain cloud follow me around. She also took my heart saying I was already a heartless bastard."  
"Why'd you turn her down? Everybody else seems afraid of her." said Ruki.  
"Have you ever seen her? Bitch is scary looking! I'd rather have rusted away than get within ten feet of her."  
"Good to know. I'll make sure to stay away from her. Baka's, let's go."  
Ruki turned to go down the far side of the hill again with Reita and Miyavi following him. It wasn't until he got to the bottom and turned to make sure the two were actually there that he noticed Aoi. He wasn't really surprised to see him though.  
The followed the golden glitter path for an hour before Koron started to whine from inside the basket. Ruki stooped down and lifted the lid to let the dog out but he refused to move. He hid as far back from the openning as he could and whined louder. 'Now what' Ruki thought. He looked around to see what could be making the dog afraid. Then he was pounced by none other than Uruha, who was wearing a lion costume. "What the hell? Get off me, Uruha!" he yelled.  
"I'm not Uruha. I'm the fierce and fabulous lion. Ruler of this forest. Hear my roar," he said. Unfortunately all that came out was a very pathetic little nyanya. "Very fierce. Can you get off me now?"  
Uruha looked at him and fell to the side, immediately bawling his eyes out. He curled up in the fetal position and covered his face as the sobs grew louder. Ruki stared at him in a mixture of horror and humor. If things got any stranger he would be tempted to do the same thing. "Come on Uruha the lame ass lion. Let's go."  
"Wez goin take the soggy lion to seez the wizard?" Miyavi asked.  
"Why not? Maybe he can give him a real roar. Or least a box of tissues."  
"Just keep him away from me. All those salty tears are going to freeze my joints up again," stated Aoi.  
"Is he really a lion?" asked Reita.  
"Shut up and help me get him on his feet. I cannot wait until we find this wizard and I can get out of this madhouse." Ruki grumbled.  
Then helped the still crying lion along the way and tried to ignore the fact that he was now neither fierce not fabulous. Once more they set off on the golden glitter path to find the wizard. 'Please let this be almost over' kept running through Ruki's head as the day wore on. He noticed a twinkle on the horizon and quickened the pace, hoping that was the end of the path. He was getting sick of looking at all this damn glitter and he normally liked shiny things. He could hear Miyavi and Reita talking to Uruha, trying to get him to stop crying. Occasionally Aoi would snort derisively at something they said and the crying would get louder. Even Koron was getting whiny and starting to annoy him. Finally the twinkle got closer and the others stopped talking to ohh and ahh over at the sight. It was a giant castle in varying shades of green that reflected the light of the fading sun. They crossed over a bridge and were at last at the front gate. Ruki saw a pull chain next to a door and gave it an experimental tug. The sound of bells ringing from the other side was almost deafening. A moment later a window next to the door opened and a face appeared in it. 'Not more fangirls' Ruki groaned inwardly.  
"What do you want?" the girl asked as she pouted.  
"I need to see the wizard," Ruki told her.  
"He's busy. Come back another day," she said as she closed the window.  
"Oh hell no," Ruki replied as he began pulling the chain repeatedly.  
"I thought I told you to go away," she said as she opened the window again.  
"Iz gotta seez the wizard. Hez only one whoz maybe goin say Iz can haz a snuggly wuggly doggie," whined Miyavi almost desperately. "I need his help to get away from the Bitch of the West," said Reita.  
"I'm just here out of boredom," claimed Aoi. "They *sniff, sniff* brought me here *sniff*" sobbed Uruha.  
"Well in that case, come on in," the girl said with a smile.  
As she said this, the door began to slide slowly inward, letting the group enter the castle. Ruki was tempted to say something to the girl but decided that it might be wiser to keep it to himself. He didn't want her to shut the door in his face and he had a feeling she would.  
Once inside she led them to the main part of the castle and into a large, open room. She left them to wait, assuring them that the wizard would see them soon. As she left she gave Ruki a nasty look before closing the door. 'What the hell is her problem' he wondered. Shortly afterwards, a door at the far end of the room opened and in walked the wizard. He should have known it would be Kai.  
The wizard was wearing long green robes and a very large smile. He greeted them all with hugs and handed the still sobbing Uruha a handkerchief. He gestured for them to sit on large green cushions that hadn't been there a moment ago and asked "What brings you all here to see me?"  
"I need help getting away from the Bitch of the West. She stole my brain and taped me to a pole in a vegetable patch." Reita told him.  
"Iz be wantin a cuddly wuddly, snuggly wuggly, fluffy wuffy doggie Iz can haz for keepsies. The Bitch of the West sayz no lovey wuvey doggie for mez." Miyavi said sadly. "I just came to stay out of the rain. The Bitch of the West took my heart and keeps sending rain clouds to follow me around." Aoi said in a bored tone.  
"I'm a pathetic *sniff* excuse for a lion. *sniff, sniff* I'm not fierce *sniff, sniff sob*" Uruha managed to choke out.  
"I want to get the hell out of here and back to the real world. No offense but everybody here is a mess." Ruki stated bluntly.  
The wizard looked them each over and thought for a few minutes. He paced in front of them and stopped repeatedly to decide something. At last he went to stand in front of Reita and began speaking.  
"The bitch didn't steal your brain, silly scarecrow. Your noseband is on too tight and it's cutting off the oxygen flow." He reached up and untied the offending band of cloth.  
"As for you, my crazy little squirrel, there are dogs all over this castle that you are welcome to play with any time you like. As long as you stay here and never return to the bitch, that is."  
"You are a hard one to read, metal man. You say you only want out of the rain but I see more than you think. The bitch never had your heart. It was with you the whole time, hiding from harm deep inside you. It's time for you to acknowledge it."  
"Fear not my poor little lion. You were never meant to be fierce. If you had remembered to change out of your pajamas you would know you are a fabulous duck, not a lion."  
"Lastly, young bitch slayer, you are home. You never left. This was all just a bad dream. Just sing the words 'I want to wake up' and do the monkey."  
Ruki looked at the wizard like he was insane. Then he shrugged and started to sing and dance. If there was a chance it got him out of here it was worth looking like an idiot. Kai sat up in bed and tried to stop laughing. That was the strangest dream he had ever had. Maybe the apple juice he had drank before bed had expired and fermented or something. 


End file.
